My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
