Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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