I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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