Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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