I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
