i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Randomize
