Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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