I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
