Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
