Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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