I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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