Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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