if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
