Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
