I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
