Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
