saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
