Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
