I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
