I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
