Someone shit on the floor
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
