I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
