Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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