how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
