The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
