batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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