I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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