So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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