He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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