im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
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the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
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How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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