I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
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True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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