the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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