You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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