the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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