Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
