i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
