i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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