We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
