Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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