So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
