chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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