It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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