I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
