I wish I could teleport
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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