i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
