He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
