You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
