I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
