Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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