I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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