Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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