We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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