Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
