Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
