I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
