my phone needs a breathalizer
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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