My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
