Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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