She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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